again

I spent another week, up until last Friday night, in a psychiatric ward again. I was suicidal again, but it turns out this time it was because of a reaction to meds. The meds they put me on the last time had a reverse effect and made me extremely depressed.

Things are better now. I am on less meds and doing well. I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things, but it's coming back slowly. There is no need to rush myself.

I am still fighting with my U of P financial situation. All I can do is sit back and hope something breaks somewhere. I'm doing all that I can and can't let it get to me as much as it was.

I think what I need to do now is start doing more of my Business Management course. I haven't worked on it in a long time. I was waiting for results of tests, but I guess they've all come back. I haven't heard anything from them otherwise.

I am also trying to refocus on my writing. I need to do more reviewing as well, but that's always been a problem for me.

The Higher Powers give us time on our hands for a reason. I think this is my time to start straightening my life out and making amends in it.

Let's hope that I am able to do it.

I will be starting the Axia classes at University of Phoenix beginning August 16. I will be taking two courses at once for 9 weeks at a time. There will be no learning teams, so this should be a lot easier.

I am considering changing schools after I get my Associate's. I really don't like the Learning Teams, and if I was to go on to my Bachelor's through U of P I would have to deal with that. I will probably start checking into other schools in 2012 just before I complete my Associate's.

Next month I will have six months clean. I am looking forward to it, even though they say that all we have is today and tomorrow is not promised. I know that I will make it. The only thing that will stop me is death. I am determined to stay clean this time and I am working the steps. I also love my new life and my conscious contact with my personal Higher Power. I'm not going to throw it all away for a drink or a drug.

I still haven't heard from my Business Management course. I may start the next chapter without hearing from them if I get the time and the inclination. I know I can't keep putting it off until the once a month that I go to all day program.

I finished the crocheted blanket for the little girl of a friend and gave it to him last night. He was very appreciative. I have another one I'm going to work on now for an adult friend as a gift for his new apartment. It's fun to have a purpose for the blankets before I start on them. I also spent all day Thursday embroidering another pillow case. It's alot cooler when I work on embroidery as I can see for sure the progress I am making. It's shaping up really nice.
I have a quilt to embroider that I might work on for my sponsor for Christmas.

I have been cutting out pictures of stuff that Bradford Exchange has been sending me in advertisements and catalogs. Why order the stuff that looks so cool when I can just cut out the pictures and use it for wall paper for my office? It's turning out really neat. I have Thomas Kincade stuff by my calendar and several artists' native american art on another wall. The small stuff I'm cutting out of the catalogs is going on a wall surrounding my unicorn mirror. It all looks really nice.

Going to the NA Area Meeting on Sunday. I want to get involved in taking NA meetings into hospitals and institutions. They said last night that, because it is a new area, they may not have that going yet. Well, I'll just keep going to area meetings and bug them about it until they do.

I think that's enough for today. Otherwise I won't have nothing to say the next time my email starts bugging me to update my blog.

in pain

Remember when I tried to throw my Maddie dog in the hot tub? Well I think she injured my hip. I have been in so much pain with it for the past two weeks that I want to cry. I haven't even been able to sit up long enough to play my Facebook apps, and on Tuesday I had to have Bob come pick me up early from all day group.

I have a persuasive essay on a specific subject to write for U of P this week. I also have to put together the essay that my Learning Team has to turn in this week, and there are grammar quizzes again this week. I haven't done any of it and it is already Thursday and I think the persuasive essay is due today. Oh well. I'll get to it sooner or later, and an accomodation I have is to be able to turn in my assignments late. Thank goodness for small favors.

I did redo the one exam for Business Management and did the next exam. Figured out that I read the wrong chapter for the first exam, that's why I failed it. Oh well. This time I paid more attention to the assignment.

I haven't been working on my crafts since I have been hurting either. I just can't stand to sit upright for any length of time. I am even using my cane to walk.

I am going out to lunch with my Social Worker today. That should be interesting.

Not much else going on.

same old, same old

I haven't updated my blog lately as there really hasn't been much that has changed.

University of Phoenix Online has me running in circles. With going online I have to check in four days a week twice a day to get my participation grade. I also, with U of P Online, have a Learning Team Assignment this week. After this course, though, I am transferring to the Axia Online and will be taking two courses at a time for nine weeks but there will be no Learning Teams. I think I will do okay despite taking two classes at a time, and instead of it taking ten weeks to get six credits it will only take nine. That doesn't cut off much time but every little bit helps, right? The only other thing that kind of sucks about Axia is I can only go as high as an Associates through Axia. To get my Bachelor's and Master's that I want I will have to go back to campus or U of P online.

I haven't touched my Business Management course much. I did do the first Exam for Section Two of Part Two a few weeks ago, but I haven't touched it since. I really need to get more motivated on it.

I haven't been going to NA meetings as much as I should. I hope to change that in the coming week. Nothing else is going to keep going right in my life if I don't stay clean. I really am not supposed to talk about being an NA member in this type of setting as you may judge NA based on my actions. Know that I am not the poster child for NA, no member is, so please do not judge it based on one member.

I haven't been writing or reading about any of the stuff for the workbooks I am writing. Sadly my writing has taken a back burner to other obligations. I hope to change that in the future, but for now life has it put back there. I can do nothing but try to jot down ideas as they come for future reference.

Here's to hoping I can get my priorities back in order in the near future.

half stressing

I was so stressed out yesterday I wanted to go find a crack rock. I know that's not going to help me deal with school, but it is really stressing me out. With six chapters to read this week, along with five quizzes and a paper, plus a Learning Team paper, I don't know which way is up.

Having had this almost uncontrollable craving, I think I need to go to more meetings. There are other things I wish I could spend my time doing, but my recovery needs to come first otherwise everything else will just fall to pieces. I just wish I didn't feel like such a burden to Bob. He's the one that has to drive me all over hecks creation to get to the meetings.

Maddie ran off today. We have decided we have two choices: We can just let her run the neighborhood at will like most of the other dogs around, or we can put up a running cable outside the back door that she can be hooked to. We don't really need to keep the other dogs away from her saying that she is fixed. The only thing we would have to worry about is if other dogs are agressive. Of course, Maddie is a chicken and would readily submit to them, so I don't think we really have to worry about that.

I moved my computer back into my office and on the big desk. It was stressing me out a lot to not have a place where I could go and stretch out and relax where Bob isn't (hence why I couldn't use the living room). I'm keeping the small desk in there and will use it for offline endeavours. I need someplace I can go and not look at the computer thinking I should really be working on schoolwork or reviewing on WdC.

Hopefully things will get better now. I was waiting for my grade from the first week to see how bad I was doing and I got 100% for the first week, so that took

back in school

I started University of Phoenix back up yesterday. It's harder than I thought it was going to be, but I am taking it all in stride. It feels good to feel like I am doing something to improve my life again.

Now that I am taking classes online I have more obligation to check in. In order to get my participation grade I have to post at least four days a week. It's going to be interesting to see how I work that out.

Not to say that NA is not improving my life. I have a better contact with my personal Higher Powers since I started 86 days ago. I have more focus and more drive as well. I wouldn't have what I have today if I hadn't stopped using.

I don't know about anything else. I went to all day group on Monday and did get some things done, but I don't know that I will take the time to do that again any time soon. I want to get back into the swing of things with school first.

I hope to still have time for Business Management and crafts. I went through my craft books the other day and found a bunch of neat projects that I would like to try. I also want to keep up with my course.

Hopefully things will all work out and continue to keep looking up.

no yapping beanie baby

I got a dog on Sunday. Maddie is a retriever/collie mix, white with brown spots, lazy, timid and shy. She is 6 yrs old, and spends most of her time in the bed we got her in our bedroom. I already love her so much.

University of Phoenix still has me tied up in red tape so I haven't started back yet.

I don't know what is going on with my computer, but I can no longer access my favorites under this new system. It really sucks.

I finally did a chapter of my Business Management course yesterday as I went to all day group. I also finished my Step Three for NA and did some embroidery. I am almost done with the pillow case I am embroidering. All in all I guess it was a good day yesterday.

That's about all that is going on for now.

couldn't stand to blog

was so tired of the monotony of my life that I couldn't stand to write about it.
Things are different somewhat now.

My classes for University of Phoenix are switching to online and begin on June 22. I can't wait to get started again as I will be held accountable for my actions each day.

I haven't worked on my Business Management course in a week or more. I got back my new grade on the Part 2 Exam 3 and I passed. I also passed Exam 4. I should work on it but lately reading and writing have come in small portions.

I don't want to read lately and I've been shaking a lot lately so writing is an adventure in itself. I haven't even kept up with my offline journal that much.

I had ideas for a couple of poems but I didn't take the time to write them down at the time so now they are long gone. I should type up my notes on Nezoom and my Wicca workbook but I can't seem to get myself to do that either.

I know. I complain about the monotony of my life but don't do anything to change it by doing the things I should be doing.

This is the first time I have been on the computer in three days. I couldn't bring myself to get on when all I really did was spend hours playing Facebook applications. My crops are probably dead, all my cafe food is spoiled and my dog probably ran away along with my mouse on Petville. I just don't care. Why should these stupid games be so important in my life? I saw that I was becoming obsessed so I stayed away.

Things are beginning to shape up. I hope that they continue.

egh

Everything in my life has just been same stuff, different day. I'm hoping for some major change when I start University of Phoenix again. I will be going online but at least I will be required to do something. There is a requirement of participation at least 4 times per week.

I don't know if I should just go ahead and clean out my booth today, or wait until Monday. I'm just about sure that nothing else has sold within the last few days, even with Bob's Star Wars stuff in there. Still, one can't be sure until I look.

My Business Management course is going nowhere. I'm still waiting to see if I passed the second time I took the Exam 3 of Part 2. I'm sure I did, so I'm probably just using that as an excuse to not work on it. I should do something.

I have been crocheting a lot. That's about all. I haven't even been writing my offline journal because I can't think of anything to say. It is more of a diary than anything else, I don't put my writing in it other than to say what I am working on.

I'm tired of the spurts of inspiration I am getting as far as my writing. I really don't know what to do. I have a bunch of writing books, and I am trying to get myself to read one about plots. So far it's all for not.

I know. I am complaining about doing nothing and yet have all these things I should be doing. I blame the heat for a lot of it. I get so hot all I want to do is lay in front of the fan.

I hope things will change soon.

nothing new

There just isn't anything new.

I'm waiting for the final word on switching to online courses for University of Phoenix.

My Business Management course is on hold until I get two exams back graded.

I'm still closing my booth in 9 days.

I'm still working on crafts.

I still haven't typed any of my writing into the computer. Maybe I'll do that today.

I want to review more but I can't get myself to just sit down and do it.

I play way too many Facebook Apps.

I really got to get my priorities straight.

changes

Well let's see....

I'm switching to University of Phoenix online. I will still be only taking one class for five weeks at a time, going from Tuesday to Monday. The clencher is that, because it is going to be an ADA accomodation, it's not going to cost me any more than it would for me to go on campus. Kewl beans.

I am still shutting down my booth at the end of the month. I am still going to make crafts for the sheer joy of it and it helps to reduce stress. At least now I don't have to worry about if it is going to be of quality to sell. Anything that does come out with that quality is going in a large plastic bin for eventual sale on Ebay.

I failed one exam for my Business Management course, so now I'm waiting to see my grades from Part Two before I move on to Part Three, which I got the materials for this week. If I fail one exam more than once, I will have to pay more for some reason to take that part of the course over again.

NA is going better. I was upset on Wednesday night so I didn't go but I went to AA last night and I think I am going to attend more of those meetings. I am going to ask for a court record sheet so that I can keep honest track and try to do a 90 meetings in 90 days. I may even try to do more by attending the noon informal NA meetings in town.

I am also checking in to group NA/MH meetings. I was told that to be tested it would cost me something like $200 or more, but I might be able to just attend the meetings without testing.

Thanks to NA I am regaining a better relationship with my personal Higher Powers, so I am studying more and may be adding to my Wicca workbook in my portfolio on Writing.com soon.

I also have been working on Nezoom offline, but I hope to get it typed into the computer soon so I might be updating that folder on Writing.com in the near future as well.

Things are looking UP!!!!

nothing new

There is just nothing going on.

University of Phoenix - still on hiatus. There has been talk of several other options opposed to going on campus once a week. Tomorrow I'm going to contact my academic counselor to see if I can go in for a face-to-face about it all.

My booth is going nowhere. I have been trying to make crafts for it but everything I try to make either is taking forever or doesn't seem like it would sell because it is bad quality.

Business Management - I'm waiting on them to send me the next course.

NA - I've finished writing on the second step but I still need to go over the first step with my sponsor so that is on hold.

As I said nothing really new.

going well

I attended group therapy all day on Tuesday. It was better than I thought it would be. I did a lot of my embroidery and even made a mouse out of air-dry clay but destroyed it when I got home.

I am making beads out of the air-dry clay. I made a cat, frog, and turtle yesterday out of dough-craft. I need to possibly start painting them today. If I do I am going to experiment with mixing paints.

I went to the NA meeting last night. It was good to get back and see everyone and get back on track with my recovery.

Still off from University of Phoenix for the next three weeks.

Still waiting on them to send me my next course for Business Management.

Not much else going on.

recovering

Just thought I'd post a quick note that I am still recovering from gall bladder surgery.

Ran out of yarn on one blanket I was crocheting so I am rolling the yarn for a pink and white baby blanket. When they are done, they will go in my booth.

People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.
Eleanor Roosevelt (1884 - 1962), My Day

had surgery

I had my gall bladder surgery yesterday. One of the stones they removed was the size of an avocado pit, and that was just one of them. No wonder I was in so much pain. Today it goes from feeling like someone kicked me in the stomach with steel-toed boots to someone went drilling for oil in my stomach, but I'm dealing with it pretty well. They told me that the more I tried to move around and get back to my normal routine the faster I would heal. I'm just looking forward to another three weeks being over (what's left of the recovery time from my edometrial ablazion on the 27th) so I can get back to my "normal" life.

I have been writing. I have a Wicca Workbook I've been trying to write that I have been adding too offline. Being involved in NA has given me reason to get back in touch with my Higher Powers and thus making me want to know more about them. I have been lighting my shrine and meditating almost every day.

I am off from my University of Phoenix Bachelors Degree classes for another four weeks. I am going to take all of that time so that I can rejoin my class that I started with in the next course. That and I need the vacation.

I have been seeing my Therapist on a regular basis. It took him this long to realized that I have a lot of resentments and pent up anger so now he wants to work with me on getting it out in productive ways, like writing. However when I told him about the horror story I had in mind of the man's girlfriend killing off the members of his family that didn't approve of her in sadistic ways he wasn't amused. Hey, it's getting my anger out in my writing, and it's just a story, isn't it?

I haven't been working too much on my Business Management course. I usually work on it on Tuesdays when I go to group therapy all day but I haven't gone for the past two weeks. I will try to at least look at the next section today.

Other than that it's just a matter of taking one day at a time and recovering.

surgery scheduled

Just thought I should make a note that my gall bladder surgery was scheduled for May 6th, next Thursday. I am glad that it is this week so I can get my life back soon.

Mostly I am laying around and trying to relax. Every once in a while I force myself to sit up for a while to play Facebook Applications just to get my mind off of everything.

I have been doing crafts a lot over the past month. I am renting a booth in an indoor flea market and that's what I've been trying to sell. I make doughcraft wall plaques, crochet, plastic canvas, and hope to start sewing things soon. I also have made a couple of flower pots out of air dry clay. I have a photo album of my crafts at www.writing.com/kristiana if anyone wants to go looking for it.

Not that much else going on.

busy

I have way too many networking sites I belong to. I really don't have the time to update them all that often, but I'm going to try to do better. I'm going to try to set aside Fridays to be online and do all this.

I had an endometrial ablazion on Tuesday. I also have found out I have gall stones, an inflamed gall bladder and a 9 cm mass in my liver. I am in so much pain then got me on Percosets for the weekend. I consult with a surgeon on Monday in Springfield to see about getting the gall bladder removed and an exploratory done on the mass in the liver.

School at University of Phoenix, NW Arkansas campus has been stressful. I am trying to get my Bachelors of Psychology but for the first two years it's going to be a lot of core bull courses. Not fun. I have taken a five week hiatus because of my physical ailments at this time, so I don't have to worry about that for a while. I am thinking about switching to online courses, but I don't know for sure.

That's about all that is going on with me right now. As I said I will try to update more often.

Going better

Even though I was called last night and told that my brother's wife's father passed away last night, I am doing okay now. I am feeling things again and the world doesn't seem so bleak.

I still believe that the world is going to heck in a hand basket, but I want to stick around to see just which disaster, natural or man-made, destroys us.

Hopefully it won't happen until after I'm gone and the economy will get better before then.

I am currently taking a course through the University of Phoenix NW Arkansas to get my Bachelor of Psychology. Even though I am already 42 years old, I plan to go for my Doctorate so that I can become a therapist. I think that having someone on the other side of the desk that can say "been there, done that" will help a great many sufferers.



On to me.



I have been on this side of the desk in the mental health field for over 20 years. My diagnoses range from Manic-Depressive/Bi-Polar Disorder, to Schitzo-Effective Disorder, to Dissassociative Identity Disorder/Split-Personality Disorder. I also suffer from several minor disorders, though they might not seem minor to some, such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from being sexually abused as a child, to Self-Mutilation and Suicidal Tendencies.



I have been going through a rough time as of late with school pressure and other things going on in my life, not the least of which is the economic times.


I can't go to just anyone with these things. I need someone to talk to that can understand and relate and say "been there, done that, got the papers to prove it".



I don't want to go to the professionals because I refuse to go into the hospital on a locked unit again. I don't want to call any of my family and worry them as they live so far away and have plenty of problems of their own.

testing out

I have decided to try to test out of some of my courses. I can test out of up to 18 hours, and that would save me a few months.

All about me

My real name is Kim but I go by Kristi. That's a long story that I don't want to get into right now.

I was born and raised in and around the suburbs of Detroit, MI. I have also lived all over Michigan including the Upper Peninsula and traveled with a carnival around Wisconsin. I spent three years living in small towns around New Jersey just across the bridge from Philadelphia. I currently live in Cassville, MO, with my boyfriend Bob. I moved here from NJ in May 2009.

I have wanted to be a counselor for as long as I can remember, so I decided to pursue that dream and take Psychology here at U of P. I have been involved in the Mental Health system for over 20 years and believe I could help people from the other side of the desk. I would like to specialize in Personality Disorders, specifically Dissassociative Identity Disorder, more commonly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

I am very excited and scared all at once. I have great support in Bob, but I don't know too many other people here. I plan on leaning heavily on the facilitators of U of P. I'm going to need a lot of help as I've been out of school for almost 25 years. I was going to try to test out of some classes, but I really think I would benefit better by taking all the courses. Four years sounds like a long time. Anything could happen between now and then. I'm hoping nothing life shattering will happen that will make me have to leave school.

I look forward to meeting everyone. I have plenty of time and internet access at home, so I think I would be a valuable asset to any Learning Team.